Neighbours

Neighbours are the most unpredictable bunch of people you will ever know.

I'm not talking about that annoying soap where everyone

talks with a foreign accent.... I mean your actual everyday neighbours.

Where ever you live you always have the 'difficult' neighbour,

.....yanno....

the one who complains about the loud parties and the

kids football that keeps going over the wall !!

What do they want you to do about the parties ?

Cancel your birthday until its an appropriate time for them ?

 Doughnuts ...

I like to imagine these kind of people as socially challenged

 idiots who sit in their houses all day long waiting for a bit of

 excitement in their lives, that may come in the form a child's small ball...

Is it just me or is that last statement creepy ?!

 Having said that it does express how dodgy these neighbours actually are !

There's always the arguers ...

In my street they come in the form of two lesbian lovers who live directly

opposite my house and also a chavy family a few doors down.

The lady lovers physically and verbally argue constantly,

 and they once smashed their own windows in...

Don't ask me, I really don't understand the concept of smashing

your own windows, you must be real special to feel that you've won the

 argument after smashing your own window...

Who's feelings is that supposed to hurt exactly ?

 Erm. Ok.

Everyone has the nosey neighbour.

My version stands outside her house no matter what weather it is,

 she lives on the opposite side of the road a few doors down..

She has an ASBO daughter who thinks it's ok to emerge from

her own house looking like a smack'ed who hasn't had her fix ..

You can just tell from the way she looks that she definitely hasn't had a bath

(unless you count body spray as a bath)

(if you do count body spray as a bath you're just disgusting)

 but that's just one of my many assumptions because in the 5years

 I've been her neighbour I haven't ever dared to get close enough

 to prove my theories correct !

My nosey neighbour also has a son who I am convinced must be suffering

 from some sort of mental lack of common sense and general

 basic intelligence, this is not another assumption, these theories were made

 concrete from the moment I saw the kid running down the road,

 at top speed,

sprinting like he was in the Olympics,

 in nothing but a bath towel. . .

Yet after all this,

the woman still gossips in the sunshine and the snow,

 in her pyjamas.. with other neighbours as if her own family are angels.

Now absolutely everyone has that one neighbour

 who they suspect of being a full blown crack dealer.

Now I'm not even talking weed or ''happy cigarettes''

I'm talking a established crack'ed factory supplier...

I know that the amount of dodgy happenings on my street is no

 coincidence, and some peoples behaviour just leads

 me to come to that one and only conclusion...

I refuse to put specifics on A.Genius as I am a valued member

of the community who would be gravelly missed if anything

suspicious ever happened to my dear self

*ahem*

but trust me folks, I'm speaking the truth.

Still Aspiring

Someone change the subject ..QUICK

Everyone suffers during those awkward unavoidable moments ..

Yanno like when someone calls themselves fat and they are actually fat, 

you have three options...

A. Lie and say ''no you're not''

(which makes you a bad and dishonest friend) 

B. Agree

C. Sit and simmer in the stench of utter silence

Now these moments are harsh enough without throwing a teacher into the mix.

So there I was in dance class, and randomly there was a small stress ball at the back of the class...

Some girl nearly trips over the ball which is when my male teacher exclaims

''ARE MY BALLS GETTING IN YOUR WAY?''

Well...

The teacher carried on talking, 

but the 5 other studentsand I stood in the most uncomfortable 

situation we would probably EVER find ourselves in,

not even daring to laugh as we were trying to avoid the teacher asking the

inevitable question ''What's so funny ?''

Just another day in my life of unbearable awkwardness.

I'll soon develop the much needed lack of emotion. 

Until I do, Help.

Still Aspiring

Though 5 million times less complicated than Facebook,

it's a breeding ground for cyber beef. 

No-one used to go around cussing each other on their FB status' with such passion

..or parring whole nations of people through one worldwide debate.

Thanks to Twitter music artists have collaborated, 

people have become famous, 

Xfactor has hilarious running commentary,

and Paris Hilton has been caught in possession of Cocaine... ahem ...

The only thing that i find deeply worrying, 

and 

could in fact reduce me to a blubbering mess of hot milk chocolate.. 

Is the fact that in years to come people will have to tell their kids how they met.. 

''Wait, so mum you met dad on twitter ?'' 

Now lets consider the fact that unlike Facebook or even Myspace, 

Twitter doesn't really support life sharing in the way that other sites do. 

There's no instant chat or large information section to tell you loads about that 57 year old guy, called 'Jeff',

 

who is leading you to believe he is a 

19 year old girl called Alesha ...

So how the hell do people meet prospective guys/girls by reading

a series of 140 character sentences. 

That to me is begging it.

*Begging it is a term used to refer to a person who goes out of their way for some kinda attention from the opposite gender or friends.

Still Aspiring

Cross Dressing PoPo

The TOY aisle is usually my favorite section of most shops.

I'm like a 'big umphh'

...

you know, a large child.

..

AHEM
 But to my surprise this is what I found 
(technically my mother found it first) .. 
shock horror ..

 

I understand Tampon must mean something in some other language ..

Something different to the way it is commonly used in the western world ..

 

C'mon .

Even if these were just innocent transliterations ..

how do you explain this next one ??

 

A CROSSDRESSING POLICEMAN ?? 

What has this world come to where grannies and grandpas are 

purchasing crossdressing dolls for their grandbabies ????

First of all, he has on tightywighty undies, 

and policemen are usually FAT..

Second of all, there is a seventies theme going on here with the womens clothes ...

Thirdly, if you turn that afro upside down ..

where do you think a little ignorant child may stick that badboy ?

Or maybe thats just me and my slightly rude yet strange humour. 

Still Aspiring

Don't shop in NEW LOOK

I shop. 

Such a complete sentence.

Yesterday I was shopping in New Look, minding my own business.

I was in the kids section looking at the slightly disturbing hot pants

and skin tight dresses made to fit 10 year olds.  
 
 Noah Cyrus - C'mon tell me this ain't DODGY.
 ......................

You know when your shopping and you pull a item out to have a look, 

but the clothes are packed to tightly too get the item back in ... 

well I did that with a pair of shorts, 

and a sales assistant nearby made the 

loudest huffing and puffing noise

with some big sighhhhh at the end ... 
For a second I thought she was Puff the Magic Dragon

 ...

You should have seen my face,

if looks could kill 
..

it was one of them *She best not be chatting about me* moments.

... 

Then she marched over and fixed the shorts back into place and stormed away. 

I was thinking damn fool . . . no need to be so rude, 

even if she had just fixed those clothes before I messed it up,
I didn't do it on purpose.
+

It's her job to fix them properly...

...if I don't go in the shop and inspect the clothes that I want to buy
then she has no job, 

she won't be needed if there isn't anything to fix ..
then she'd have NO reason to huff.

Well who told me ? 

I cannot lie, I got a bad case of the evils ....

Jam started walking round the shop and purposely leaving clothes sticking out on the snid.

She put so much effort into fixing that first pair of shorts back, 

that by the time she was finished she would of had a full workout. 

Unfortunately I didn't stay to witness the full extent of my wrath. 

I made my way to the till

... 

to pay for my multiple pairs of hot pants 

... 

watch when I flex those babys in summer. 

Still Aspiring 

Class ...

Far to many times have I been in a rave/party etc.
with girls who are dressed to impress. Next thing you now
.. TOE and ANKLES ..
on show like a prize winning foot.


I'm not even talking about house parties because that's different.
Girls need to learn that if you leave your house with your shoes on,
you should return with your shoes on.
We are girls, which means we bear the agony that materialises in those 5inch heels and we look good until we reach our door step.
It's simply ghetto, and trashy to be walking around a club
without your shoes on, stepping on bodily fluids and in drinks and business ..
like that's attractive.
What kind of guys are gonna think that's nice ??
The ones with no standards ..
who still wear tracksuits and mash-up trainers on a daily basis,
like they're going out to play.
Yanno what I'm talking about !!

The kind of boy who thinks LYNX is a bath
and doesn't have the foggiest idea on how to wash his own clothes ..
yet he is old enough to rave.

Dont wear the shoes if you can't handle them.

And you wonder why you're always a link but never a wifey.

Still Aspiring

Did everyone leave the building then Yh ?

Never before have I had to deal with
the ninny, contradictory, foot sweats, that are teachers.
My teachers have always been my mumsie and daddums.
Don't get me wrong,
I do have some wonderful understanding teachers
whom are caring and
blah de blah sopp sopp goey gush.
*Ahem*
But today the horrible kind of teacher,
drew a line in front of her stubby little legs, and well and truly crossed it.

The fire alarm goes off and she leaves the whole class and legs it off
as if she isn't responsible for us all.
She ran out of the class like a fat kid chasing a Big Mac.


THE CHEEK
My mother doesn't pay £5000 tuition for the teacher
to leave me to burn in a building.
Then when she decided to come and find us outside,
she had the cheek to ask 'if everyone left the building',
with a smile on her face ?
My reply was
.......
''I dunno''
*insert vexation*
''There might still be someone in there.''
*insert fake smile*
........

I mean teachers are so contradictory sometimes !!
They expect you to know what they want you to do ...
even before they tell you.
You just wanna ask
'Do I look like I'm off Heroes ?? am I supposed to read your mind?'

. All I'm saying is .
..
My mother does not mess with her child's education.
Lets not be silly now...
If she didn't care how I was treated by other teachers
then she wouldn't have educated me for 15 years.

Still Aspiring

Fashion Police

Far to often have I bared witness to
''Fashion Oh My God No's''.
The most common offence is leggings .

Eurgggh first and foremost,
footless tights are NOT leggings,
cause having someones crotch covering undies,
screaming at you through a pair of see through tights,
is mentally scarring.



White leggings should be reserved for little girls
as they do not wear neon leopard print thongs that tend to be highly visible through these contraptions.
I haven't even began to describe vile sights
I've bared witness to from the frontal view of the leggings
..... No No No ......

Call the Fashion Police cause Camel toe is mentally disturbing....
and it seems the older or larger the woman is the worse it looks.

Ladies cmon .. you have to dress for your age and size ..
everybody knows skinny jeans are called skinny jeans for a reason ..
and hipsters aren't supposed to have tyres of fat spilling over the top ..
the same goes for Juicy Couture, it's for girls so 50year old women should not be prancing around in a hot pink tracksuit.

You can forgive a 4 year old's pink knickers showing through her leggings ...
..but if your 16 your should be aware of those kind of things.
You can't tell me girls don't look in the mirror before they leave their houses.

And if it's done on purpose that's just Dutty
.... and Stink ....
and VERY FAUX FABULOUS !

Still Aspiring